I May Have Cheated on My Donut Boyfriend

I may have cheated on Donut Boyfriend. It was an accident, I swear!

The other week I went to a new donut place because they have a seating area and outlets on the walls. I try to go there once a week and work on a few of my personal projects. I don’t need internet connection, which is good as this place doesn’t have free wifi. In fact, it has a light that makes a high pitched whining noise constantly, I figure if they can’t change out a light bulb they wouldn’t do so well with more advanced technology.  And I find poor internet connection far more aggravating than no internet connection.

Unless it’s Christmas Eve and all your friends are out of town and you can’t afford to visit your family and all you have is your Netflix Boyfriend and then the internet doesn’t work and you don’t even have him. Then you maybe sit down and cry, call  your internet provider, and reboot your IP address and still you can’t watch Netflix. So you call Netflix because you’ve nothing else to do and you know that you are probably ruining somebody’s Christmas Eve because you are one of those people who get help from service industry workers on Holidays but you don’t care because you’ve already cried for half and hour and if your Christmas Eve is ruined then everyone’s Christmas Eve should be ruined too.

Of course it turns out that Netflix Boyfriend decided to disappear for a couple of hours, he tries to say it is because his cell phone wasn’t working and there is an outage and you know that he’s probably used up all his minutes and you have to wonder if he’s cheating on  you. Don’t tell me you have an outage when what you mean is you didn’t buy enough server space to feed everyone’s stream time. Netflix Boyfriend is just your average guy, trying to set up a nice date night, and failing every once in a while. And when that happens, then even poor streaming capabilities are better than none.

Netflix is honestly my worst boyfriend. He makes me cry the most. Which is why I have Redbox Boyfriend as a back up. Redbox is the best boyfriend ever. Unlike my IRL boyfriends he remembers our anniversary, and brings home a present for me. It is one thing to get a present for my birthday which all the stores remember, but Redbox remembers our anniversary. That’s just amazing.

He has his faults, don’t get me wrong. He’s only available at certain times and I have to travel in order to spend any amount of time with him. Plus, he does this weird Cinderella thing at 9 p.m. every time we’re together where he changes into this money chomping monster. I’ve learned to work around his issues and hurriedly return him home once I’ve had my way with him, but it does make for some anxiety inducing moments as the hand rounds the number eight on my clock. In spite of the anxiety I am drawn to him time and time again. Alas, Redbox Boyfriend has one of those sexy deep late night television commercial voices that just gets me every time. He whispers in my ear, “Ooooh Baby, check out all my listings. It’s not very long, but I can make you happy.” 

On Christmas Eve when Netflix Boyfriend was lying to me and the thought of walking over to Redbox Boyfriend’s place in the cold was unappealing, I admit to having an intimate one night stand with Crackle. My friend Roku set us up, so it was a bit awkward in the beginning, like every other time a friend has set me up with someone. Crackle wasn’t bad looking, but he is not my usual type. He likes to talk about older movies, and not the whole series, just specific ones. For example, he only wanted to talk about Resident Evil 4 and none of the others. It was weird. We finally settled on The Fifth Element and I soon forgot my first date jitters and had a great evening. I don’t know why I haven’t called him back. Sometimes you just need that someone in the moment, and never really again.

My many boyfriends make me happy, even if it is all just in my head. This is never more apparent than my interactions with Donut Boyfriend who is different from all the others- he has a human’s face. This weirds me out at times. I’m so used to giving inanimate objects personalities, that when an animate object already has a personality I get confused. In my confusion I decided I needed to stop taking advantage of Donut Boyfriend’s generosity where I get two donuts for the price of one as he stuffs my bag full before I leave the store. Plus, I wanted a place to sit and needed an  electrical outlet, so I went to the new donut place and ordered a small coffee and a glazed chocolate donut. When I got back to my seat I realized that the girl behind the counter had given me an extra donut, just like my Donut Boyfriend. Now I am even more confused, wondering what this means.

Sara thinks I cheated on Donut Boyfriend and other people chimed in with several thumbs ups. But that would be accidental cheating, and I’m not sure I believe in accidental cheating. I mean, when I went on that date with Crackle, I knew what I was doing. That would have been cheating but Netflix Boyfriend and I have an open relationship. We are both allowed to see other people. And seeing as the new donut place is Donut Boyfriend’s sister’s shop, I wonder instead if he perhaps has told his family about us? He didn’t tell me if he did. These discussions are important people!

Men are so confusing. I mean,  are we headed toward Faceback official?

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