30 Days of Thankful: Quiet Moments

I like to listen to a podcast called Terrified. The host, Dave Ross, asks three questions of his guests that he interviews. They can choose one to talk about. The three questions are: What are you afraid of? What are you worried about? And Why do you hate yourself?

The three questions are related and people talk about their fears and anxieties, the copy mechanisms that they’ve learned (which can be helpful as far as tips go), and most of them talk about how going to therapy has helped them a lot. I really like listening to the show. I think Dave Ross is an excellent host, he asks great follow up questions, and I really enjoy how all of his guests feel safe enough to be vulnerable about their fears. It makes me feel a lot less alone in mine.

One of the interesting things that I’ve noticed is that a lot of his guest actually hate themselves. They don’t like being alone and they can’t stand quiet. On one level I understand this. When I was living alone, there was a lot of quiet time, and I used to put the TV on to combat the overwhelming silence at times. On the other hand, I really enjoy quiet moments. And I don’t hate myself.

I contribute this to a couple of things. Firstly, I refuse to hate myself. I was taught as I was growing up that I was born a sinner and if I did not do all the good things then I could not outweigh my sinner nature and get to heaven. So I hated myself a lot while I was growing up, because I inevitably failed at doing all the good things and thought I was a horrible person. Eventually, I left that life and way of thinking and the moment I realized I didn’t share the same faith as my family I was incredibly relieved. I didn’t have to hate myself anymore.

By Елена Ильина [FAL], via Wikimedia Commons

By Елена Ильина [FAL], via Wikimedia Commons

And I still don’t. Even though I’m an anxious person, and I have personality quirks that need management. I manage them. I don’t hate myself for them. Some days I dislike that I have the anxiety problems that I do, and I wish they weren’t a part of me., but I don’t hate myself.

That is an amazing feeling!

So, when I’m sitting in the quiet moment. When the four year old is asleep and the dogs are too and my brother-in-law isn’t home so he isn’t snoring and the world is quiet for a moment, and I’m here, with myself, with my thoughts, with who I am as a person, I am content. I’m thankful for quiet moments that let me realize, I don’t hate myself anymore.

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