Wednesday Hump Day is a Bad Bump Day

Woman using telephone, c. 1910. From postcard.

Wednesday morning I arrived at my office a little bit before 7:30 a.m. which is when I usually start work. I turned on the lights, started a cup of coffee in the Keurig machine, and hung up my coat on the hook on the back of my door. I check my coat pockets for my cell phone which is normally where I stash it as I walk through the garage into the building. It was not in my pockets. I checked my purse and my pants pocket no phone. Then I remembered that I left in it in the car.  I sighed and grabbed my jacket and headed back out into the cold and windy parking garage to retrieve my phone.

Soon I found myself texting my best friend Sara.

Me : Soooo, I locked myself out of my office suite when I ran back to my car for my forgotten phone and left my office keys behind.

Me: Today is going to be stellar.

Sara: Ugh!

Sara: Also, your text just woke me up eleven minutes before the first departmental meeting of the year.

Me: Yikes! Well, I got back into my office. Thankful for Security in the building. Hopefully your day gets better too!

I finally sat down at my desk, with a reheated cup of coffee, started up my computer, and bent down to plug my phone into the outlet. My phone cord was wrapped around the leg of my chair.  I started messing with the cord and the wheelies. The rolling wheels on my office chair are ruining my phone cord, it gets stuck that often.  I finally got the mess untangled, but as I sat up I hit my head on the underside of the desk hard enough to bring tears to my eyes.

Me: Nope. Just banged my head into my desk while adjusting my phone cord.

Sara: …… Maybe I should just stay in bed…..

Me: …. I’m just saying….

I rubbed my stinging forehead and went to the bathroom to check it out. Yup a fair sized bump and bruise was forming. This morning was not stellar. I went back to my desk with my cup of coffee cold again. I dumped it out and debated if I wanted to go through the trouble of making another cup. My phone beeped.

Sara: I just put my cami and sweater on backwards.

Me: . . . definitely should have stayed in bed

My Ankles are Getting Older

I often think of weird questions. When I ask my weird questions of most people they just sort of scratch at their heads, give it a little shake as though getting rid of the strange notion I’ve put there, and giggle as though I was trying to be funny. The only person who seems to take these questions seriously, if with a bit of humor as well, is my best friend Sara.

Nobody takes these things as seriously as I do except for her, so when I have a questions I realize might be a bit odd, I text her instead of some poor soul who will spend the rest of the day wondering what the heck had they just been asked.

ankles

One day I look down at my feet and they don’t look like mine anymore. I spend a few minutes puzzling over this, very upset that my ankles and feet look like someone else’s, before I decide to text Sara.

Me: So, trying to decide if my ankles are fatter, but think I’ve come to the conclusion they just look older.

I don’t even wait for her reply, I’m that distraught.

Me: Why didn’t anyone ever tell me even my ankles would start to look like they weren’t mine?

Sara: WHY IS ANKLES GETTING OLDER A THING? WHY!?

Me: EXACTLY! WHY!?

Me: Also, why did *my* brain decide to notice it? So not fair.

I’m pretty sure that Sara is the only one who would take ankles getting older seriously enough to engage in the conversation with me, not just look askance at her phone and ignore the questionable point I’m trying to make. I’m also aware how great of a friend she is as she did not ask me why I pointed out to her that ankles get older . I’m sure she would have been fine with never pondering that thought.

However, a long time ago I decided that if my brain has to suffer through these thoughts so should other people, but mostly Sara. It’s character building. You’re welcome.

Nodds & Nends: Jimmy Fallon as Jim Morrison, Top Television of 2015, and My Favorite New gif

I love Jimmy Fallon, I think he’s great! I know not everyone does, but for me Jimmy Fallon is someone who can make me laugh and feel better about life because of the joy of life that he brings to this world, and that is awesome. Here he is imitating Jim Morrison and singing Reading Rainbow. It’s nothing short of amazing.

Read Nerds of Color’s Top 15 Television Series of 2015 list. I may have to check out a couple of these I haven’t seen yet.

Favorite new gif.

Every time I watch this, I can't help but laugh! funny-gif-supermarket-Titanic-playing

I’m in love with this TARDIS Mini Satchel and Metal Charm Keychain Shoulder Handbag. GAH! Of course it is currently unavailable. Of course! [via Facebook]

Static Electricity and Kissing Patients

Conrad von Soest, 'Brillenapostel' (1403).jpg

Tuesday, I finally went and got my eyes checked and my prescription renewed. This has been a long time coming. My only excuse is that moving twice in two years makes everything harder, especially keeping up with doctor’s appointments. I met the doctor who was a short guy with warm brown skin, dark hair, and an eye nerd of the first order. I mean huge eye nerd. He could not stop talking about how much he enjoyed what he did. Which is great!

I shook his hand in introduction and static electricity, that seems permanently stored in my body, zinged between us.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to zap you!” He said.

“It was probably me. ” I explained. “I seem to store static electricity somehow.”

“My 96 year old patient kissed me on the lips the other day, and I think both of us were charged with static, and I told him, ‘I think I saw sparks!'”

I really did not know how to respond to this. “…..Wow. Yah, that’s strange.” I ventured.

“Well, you know how it goes, sometimes they are going for the cheek and they get your lips.”

A reasonable explanation, but I still really do not understand this conversation, or what to say next. “I guess… that’s true.”

“Yah, kiddos, what can you do? My seven year old is not so affectionate any more, but my six year old is.” He explained.

Realization dawned. He said his kiddo kissed him on the lips, not his patient. That “you know how it goes” was really “you know kiddos.”

I knew I was about to laugh uncontrollably, but managed to blurt out, “Oh, you said your six year old kid. I thought you said your 96 year old patient and I was really confused why patients were kissing you!”

“Oh my! Yes, that would be strange.” He agreed.

I chuckled. “Maybe I need to see an ear doctor today as well!”

“I can look and see if there is one in this building.” He offered. He smiled, laughed, and continued, “This is probably the funniest conversation I’ve had all week!”

Spam Mail Part 2

Last year I made my most spammed post a little less spamable. (Is that a word? The red line is telling me it isn’t a word, but it totally should be.) Since making the post less spamable I had to wait a while to build up a good amount of spam to make fun of. Then I forgot I was doing that and deleted a bunch of spam mail because gmail makes it so easy to just delete all the junk mail by shoving it into one folder and then having that select all box to click. Anyway between my forgetfulness and the easy deleting of spam mail, its been over a year and I think it’s high time to write another spam mail post.

I love making fun of horribly written spam mail and, as I know at least one person who believes everything she reads and can’t distinguish what is spam from proper email, I think it is education too. Maybe showing my thought process about why it is spam, will be like a PSA or something. Yah, this is my Spam PSA, someone get me a television show, I really need to tell the world how to delete Spam ! I promise. It’s not because I would love to be on TV or anything.

My first spam message is very important. . .

Ms Lisa Meditz IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO YOU– Good day, I am Ms Lisa Meditz, a US Citizen, Am 36 years old. I am one of….

Me: the robots. That’s right, you are one of the robots Ms Lisa Meditz. I am sorry to inform you of this. But your 36 years of life are a LIE.  Also, IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO YOU, using all caps to get my attention makes me feel like you are screaming at me for no reason except that you like to scream at people. Ms Lisa Medtiz, this is unacceptable. Please lower your goddamn robot voice. There are about a hundred more things I could make fun of with just a partial but totally grammatically incorrect sentence, however I’m out of time to spend on you Ms Lisa Meditz, so I will leave you with, Good day, Ma’am. I said, Good. Day.

P.S. I really like the name Lisa Meditz. I may have to use it in a story some day. So, thank you for that.

P.P.S. There are three people on Facebook with the name Lisa Meditz. Whaaaah?

I’m probably spending too much time on my spam mail if I find my self searching for specific names on Facebook, but it was an awesome revelation, I regret nothing.

Up next, some Good News!!!.

(unknown sender) Good News!!!– Attn: Beneficiary,After waiting and no response was heard, I deposited and also paid for the Delive

(unknown sender) Good News!!!– Attn: Beneficiary, After waiting and no response was heard, I deposited and also paid for the Delive

(unknown sender) Good News!!!– Attn: Beneficiary, I hope this email gets to you in good state of mind. After waiting and no response

Me: Oooh yay, three in a row from an unknown sender with good news and three exclamation marks. This is not suspicious at all. But wait for it… the best part is the guilt trip. You haven’t been waiting you spambot, you haven’t received a response because you are not a real person asking for a real thing. Don’t try to guilt trip me into thinking I forgot to do something. I grew up with constant guilt tripping, I can see it a mile away thankyouverymuch.

I take my issues out on spam mail. I think this is healthy.

The next spam deluge is almost deceptively normal looking, but I am not fooled.

Mr. Ali Shareef Emdi Hello Sir, QATAR PETROLEUM DEPARTMENT PO Box 3212Doha, Qatar shareef.emdi@minister.com

Mr. Ali Shareef Emdi Hello Sir, QATAR PETROLEUM DEPARTMENT PO Box 3212Doha, Qatar shareef.emdi@minister.com

Mr. E.H. Ali Shareef Emdi Hello Sir, QATAR PETROLEUM DEPARTMENT PO Box 3212, Doha, Qatar shareef.emdi@minister.com

Me. While I have a former co-worker whose name is Ali he knows I am not a sir.  Your first fail spambot. Furthermore, that is not his full name. I don’t remember what his last name is, but it’s not that. Also, pretty sure he’s not a minister unless something drastic happened in the last six months.

Hmmm, so according to Wikipedia (and we all know that is extremely reliable) Qatar Petroleum is a real company, third largest oil company supposedly. Am I supposed to know this because I live in Texas? Is that supposed to make me want to click on this email? I will say this, without a guilt trip going on you are looking like the nicest spambot, for what it is worth.

FYI, it is not worth much. It is worth nothing.

P.S. I know someone could saying using minister.com as an email is a form of manipulation and guilt tripping, but its almost at the end of the sentence and seems to be the least important part of the blurb.

P.P.S. Also, this makes the email more suspect, why would someone from an oil company have minister.com as their email address, because they wouldn’t. Put a little more effort into your spamming people.

This is my biggest complaint with spam mail, there is no effort to disguise it as anything else. Ugh. The next influx is no better.

UNCC Your Payment Notification (Urgent Update!!!)– Attention; NOTE:If you received this message in your SPAM/BU

UNCC Your Payment Compensation Notification!!! -Attention; NOTE:If you received this message in your SPAM/BU

Me: If I’ve received this message in my SPAM/BU[LLSHIT] folder, it’s because that is where this belongs. Good bye!

P.S. What is with the three exclamation marks again?

I don’t know why someone would make it soooo easy to just read SPAM/BULLSHIT. I mean, how is that not what they were going for?

Next up, Deal or No Deal. I’m going with the latter.

Info: Reply – Hello, My name is Capt. Lucas Alves from the US Army base here in Damascus, Syria. I have a Deal of

Me: Hello Capt. Lucas Alves, I have someone you should meet, Ms. Lisa Meditz. I think you two have a lot in common and make the best named spambot couple. You might want to use some protection though, I’m pretty sure you both are full of viruses.

N.Y.E. Party

I don’t throw N.Y.E. parties. I find New Years Eve is usually so built up the let down is to be avoided, so I try to not over sell the holiday and usually do something low key. The best ringing-in-the-new-years parties I’ve been to involved close friends and fun games or working at a pub and being able to make money while partying. But, if I could be the perfect non-anxious party hostess this is what I would do, aka my Pinterest NYE party.

I would make these pinata cookies, but not eat them because I do not like sugar cookies and I think its a horrible way to eat M&Ms, but they sure do look pretty and I bet my perfect guests (who do not get any of the coconut shavings on my kitchen floor) would love them. I would make other food of course, maybe a crock pot of chili and have a vegetable and fruit platter. In my dream world I could expense this because people are paying me to be a perfect host and show them how to party. Because I’m a party animal. Oh yah.

pinata sugar coconut cookies the urbanpocketknife

I would do one set of Countdown Bags with a fun game in them. I would do one set, because who has time for all that shit when you are making colored coconut shavings? I mean seriously. However, games are always a fun idea and putting them in fun party bags is just the icing on the pinata cookie.

New Years Eve Countdown Bags

I would create a photo booth corner. Not sure where exactly. I guess I would take down my table or move things around and cover up part of the mirror/wall in my dining room. Ugh, this is starting to stress me out and it’s a fake party! Anyway, I would also miraculously have the time to not only create the photo booth, but also some photo booth props.

Wedding Photo Booth Ideas

Photo Booth Props

I would put up streamers, balloons, and bright paper flowers to decorate. I would get them at Michaels and I would plan ahead enough to get them on the cheap with coupons, and possibly make a last minute run to the dollar store to fill out my stash. I would have my friend Adrian fly in from Chicago so he could help me decorate, because he is awesome at it. I would also expense this and it would be glorious. We would both agree none of this gold and black sophisticated crap, we want bright colors to ring in a bright new year.

I love the look of this...the colors, the textures, the patterns, the sign. love it all! :) pinned by Jodi from The Clutter-Free Classroom www.CFClassroom.com:

But this is all a fantasy. I’m sure my new years eve will be more movies and popcorn than chili and pinata cookies, more laid back and relaxing and falling asleep at ten than up until midnight pulling the cord for a room full of balloons. But it sure is fun to plan the perfect party, especially when I don’t even have to think about following through.