30 Days of Thankful: Quiet Moments

I like to listen to a podcast called Terrified. The host, Dave Ross, asks three questions of his guests that he interviews. They can choose one to talk about. The three questions are: What are you afraid of? What are you worried about? And Why do you hate yourself?

The three questions are related and people talk about their fears and anxieties, the copy mechanisms that they’ve learned (which can be helpful as far as tips go), and most of them talk about how going to therapy has helped them a lot. I really like listening to the show. I think Dave Ross is an excellent host, he asks great follow up questions, and I really enjoy how all of his guests feel safe enough to be vulnerable about their fears. It makes me feel a lot less alone in mine.

One of the interesting things that I’ve noticed is that a lot of his guest actually hate themselves. They don’t like being alone and they can’t stand quiet. On one level I understand this. When I was living alone, there was a lot of quiet time, and I used to put the TV on to combat the overwhelming silence at times. On the other hand, I really enjoy quiet moments. And I don’t hate myself.

I contribute this to a couple of things. Firstly, I refuse to hate myself. I was taught as I was growing up that I was born a sinner and if I did not do all the good things then I could not outweigh my sinner nature and get to heaven. So I hated myself a lot while I was growing up, because I inevitably failed at doing all the good things and thought I was a horrible person. Eventually, I left that life and way of thinking and the moment I realized I didn’t share the same faith as my family I was incredibly relieved. I didn’t have to hate myself anymore.

By Елена Ильина [FAL], via Wikimedia Commons

By Елена Ильина [FAL], via Wikimedia Commons

And I still don’t. Even though I’m an anxious person, and I have personality quirks that need management. I manage them. I don’t hate myself for them. Some days I dislike that I have the anxiety problems that I do, and I wish they weren’t a part of me., but I don’t hate myself.

That is an amazing feeling!

So, when I’m sitting in the quiet moment. When the four year old is asleep and the dogs are too and my brother-in-law isn’t home so he isn’t snoring and the world is quiet for a moment, and I’m here, with myself, with my thoughts, with who I am as a person, I am content. I’m thankful for quiet moments that let me realize, I don’t hate myself anymore.

30 Days of Thankful: Dancing

I’m thankful for dancing. I love to dance. I grew up in a family that was extremely religious. Often this precluded us from doing things. Like celebrating Halloween. It also meant that we substituted worldly things with Christianized versions of them. Like interpretive dancing. Basically, it was a lot of sign language, some contemporary moves, and some ballet. We even had national competitions with our denomination and I enjoyed every second of it. . . Well, there was once incident that kind of soured things for me personally. But I was able to set that once incident aside and just move with the music. I eventually choreographed dances for other people and I really miss that aspect of who I use to be.

Now, I’m old, I haven’t taken lessons in forever, and the only time I dance is when the house is quiet, everyone is gone, the dogs are kenneled, and a bit of energy will steal over me, and I’ll set some music on and dance to Joey from Concrete Blonde. I’m thankful for dancing. It has always been a way of expressing myself and someday I want to start taking adult lessons again. Some day when I have the time and the money.

In the mean time I enjoy watching dancing shows like SYTYCD and I will never stop dancing in the living room when no one is looking.

30 Days of Thankful: Adele, Fire to the Rain, and Yoga

I’m thankful for Adele. I love her voice and many of her songs resonate. One of my yoga teachers would play a song of hers and that was my favorite moment of yoga. I could loose myself in her words and forget that I was holding a pose for 60 seconds.

30 Days of Thankful: Airplanes, Motorcycles, and Dying

I’m thankful for airplanes. I really am. I also hate them with a passion. Well, I should say I hate flying. I’m thankful for airplanes because they get me places and to see people I would not be able to see other wise. And tomorrow one of them will take me to see my fiance.

But I hate flying. I hate the roller coaster feel of them. (I also hate roller coasters.) I dislike not being in control of the thing in which I am riding. I also have trouble sitting in the passenger seat of vehicles.

But I love riding on a motorcycle. If you get on a motorcycle you have to be prepared to die. When I get on an airplane I want to get somewhere. I want to see someone. I want to live. And the pilots wont let me fly myself places. For some reason.

The only flight I was not afraid to fly on, was the flight I accidentally met the co-pilot and pilot beforehand. Then the co-pilot decided to make fun of me over the speaker and told everyone I was on Who Wants to Be Millionaire, and lost, hence the commercial flight.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m thankful for airplanes, but I distrust pilots unless they are making fun of me.

By Aero Icarus from Zürich, Switzerland via Wikimedia Commons

By Aero Icarus from Zürich, Switzerland via Wikimedia Commons

30 Days of Thankful: I’m Thankful for Soap

Me: What should I post as my 30 Days of Thankful?

Chris: Sanitation.

Me: What?

Chris: For soap, to wash your hands with.

Me: Um, I’m not really thankful for soap.

Chris: Just write, I’m thankful for the invention of soap.

Me: Whah?

Chris: Just see if anyone knows what I’m referencing.

Me: Well, I don’t have anything else….

30 Days of Thankful: My Blankey, Linus, and Granny Gingrich

Early this morning I decided what I was going to write, but a couple of things happened to interfere with writing in that particular moment and now that I’m home after an 8 hour shift at work and it’s 10 pm I realize I’ve used up too much brain power, because I cannot for the life of me remember what I was going to be thankful for. So, I looked around for inspiration and found it.

I’m thankful for my blankey.

I’m one of the oldest grandchildren on my father’s side of the family even though is one of the youngest of 12. My parents got married young. . . . too young. Anyway, my great grandmother was still alive at the time, she lived until she was 97, I was in college at the time. I only have a few things from Granny Gingrich, one of them being my blankey that she and my grandmother quilted. It is hard to see in the picture, but there is a swan in a pond with lilies and pussy willows. At one point her name was embroidered at the bottom, but I’ve had this blanket for over 30 years and the embroidery has worn away.

blankey on chair

The one constant in my life has been my blankey. Like Linus’ security blanket, it has been with me everywhere. My family moved a lot, a LOT! By the time I was 17 I had moved 21 times. My blankey faithfully by my side, comforting me through nightmares and new homes. My blankey holds a lot of secrets and a lot of stories. Like the time my sister and I snuck into my mom’s closet with her red finger nail polish and spilt the entire container all over it, I don’t think any of the polish actually got on our nails.

My recent move, both exciting and terrifying, means sleepless nights as stress eats away at my brain or new noises keep me awake, I pull out old faithful and sleep crowds out the worries, because my body knows that blankey means sleepy time.

Today was a long day, and I had caffeine much later than I should have, and stresses are piling on, and I’m really really thankful for my blankey.

me with blankey

30 Days of Thankful: Fall

I love fall. It’s my favorite season and it has finally made its way to Texas. I love the cool crisp air and the warm sunshine. I love wearing boots with jeans and a tank top. I love riding with the windows rolled down and the A/C off. I love the change of the colors in the trees and the decorations popping up around the neighborhood. I love fall.

By Jean-Pol GRANDMONT (Self-photographed) via Wikimedia Commons

By Jean-Pol GRANDMONT (Self-photographed) via Wikimedia Commons

30 Days of Thankful: Friends, a List, and an Ending

I know I need this challenge because it is 10 at night and I’m only just now sitting down to think about what I’m thankful for, and I’m running up short. Which is just a little sad. So, I’m working real hard here, but I’m going to do a free thought thankful exercise.

1) I’m thankful for family and their support even if they do snore a lot and it echos down the hall and it wakes me up and I have to turn Netflix louder.

2) I’m thankful for Netflix. I know I joke about the product being a boyfriend, but it has definitely been a consistency in my life and consistency is much needed right now.

3) I’m thankful for friends. Actually I want to write a whole post on this. So I’ll save some of the things until all the things can be said. I do have some 25 days left to do. I’ll give you a glimpse, it involves lost keys and wine.

4) I’m thankful for my job. Even though it is the busy time, the people that I work with are great and I feel supported in my position which is an amazing feeling.

5) I’m thankful for past colleagues who write to check up on me and let me know all the office gossip since I’m no longer in the know.

6) I’m thankful that today is over with. It was a long day, it was a hard day, it was full of stress, and now it is over. Thank goodness.

7) Finally, I’m thankful for this blog which has introduced me to wonderful people and great connections and leaves me feeling a little bit happier after my time on the blogosphere. Thanks for being you peeps!

By Casdyp (Own work) via Wikimedia Commons

By Casdyp (Own work) via Wikimedia Commons

30 Days of Thankful: Rhianna, Baths, and Being Broken

I love this song. The first time someone posted it to their Facebook I played it over and over. I’m thankful to all the creative people out there, producing work that makes my days a little happier. But I’m especially happy for the pretty people who like to be filmed bathing. I’ve such a girl crush on Rhinanna. 😉

My favorite part of the song is:

Funny you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving/
‘Cause when you never see the light it’s hard to know which one of us is caving.

I thought for a long time that I was broken, that no one could love me, that there was something inherently wrong with who I was. Now I know love is as much about receiving as it is giving. I never had to opportunity to receive love before, and I’m thankful for the experience of receiving love more than I can express. So sometimes I just lie on the floor with the music going- happy.