Wednesday Hump Day is a Bad Bump Day

Woman using telephone, c. 1910. From postcard.

Wednesday morning I arrived at my office a little bit before 7:30 a.m. which is when I usually start work. I turned on the lights, started a cup of coffee in the Keurig machine, and hung up my coat on the hook on the back of my door. I check my coat pockets for my cell phone which is normally where I stash it as I walk through the garage into the building. It was not in my pockets. I checked my purse and my pants pocket no phone. Then I remembered that I left in it in the car.  I sighed and grabbed my jacket and headed back out into the cold and windy parking garage to retrieve my phone.

Soon I found myself texting my best friend Sara.

Me : Soooo, I locked myself out of my office suite when I ran back to my car for my forgotten phone and left my office keys behind.

Me: Today is going to be stellar.

Sara: Ugh!

Sara: Also, your text just woke me up eleven minutes before the first departmental meeting of the year.

Me: Yikes! Well, I got back into my office. Thankful for Security in the building. Hopefully your day gets better too!

I finally sat down at my desk, with a reheated cup of coffee, started up my computer, and bent down to plug my phone into the outlet. My phone cord was wrapped around the leg of my chair.  I started messing with the cord and the wheelies. The rolling wheels on my office chair are ruining my phone cord, it gets stuck that often.  I finally got the mess untangled, but as I sat up I hit my head on the underside of the desk hard enough to bring tears to my eyes.

Me: Nope. Just banged my head into my desk while adjusting my phone cord.

Sara: …… Maybe I should just stay in bed…..

Me: …. I’m just saying….

I rubbed my stinging forehead and went to the bathroom to check it out. Yup a fair sized bump and bruise was forming. This morning was not stellar. I went back to my desk with my cup of coffee cold again. I dumped it out and debated if I wanted to go through the trouble of making another cup. My phone beeped.

Sara: I just put my cami and sweater on backwards.

Me: . . . definitely should have stayed in bed

My Ankles are Getting Older

I often think of weird questions. When I ask my weird questions of most people they just sort of scratch at their heads, give it a little shake as though getting rid of the strange notion I’ve put there, and giggle as though I was trying to be funny. The only person who seems to take these questions seriously, if with a bit of humor as well, is my best friend Sara.

Nobody takes these things as seriously as I do except for her, so when I have a questions I realize might be a bit odd, I text her instead of some poor soul who will spend the rest of the day wondering what the heck had they just been asked.

One day I look down at my feet and they don’t look like mine anymore. I spend a few minutes puzzling over this, very upset that my ankles and feet look like someone else’s, before I decide to text Sara.

Me: So, trying to decide if my ankles are fatter, but think I’ve come to the conclusion they just look older.

I don’t even wait for her reply, I’m that distraught.

Me: Why didn’t anyone ever tell me even my ankles would start to look like they weren’t mine?

Sara: WHY IS ANKLES GETTING OLDER A THING? WHY!?

Me: EXACTLY! WHY!?

Me: Also, why did *my* brain decide to notice it? So not fair.

I’m pretty sure that Sara is the only one who would take ankles getting older seriously enough to engage in the conversation with me, not just look askance at her phone and ignore the questionable point I’m trying to make. I’m also aware how great of a friend she is as she did not ask me why I pointed out to her that ankles get older . I’m sure she would have been fine with never pondering that thought.

However, a long time ago I decided that if my brain has to suffer through these thoughts so should other people, but mostly Sara. It’s character building. You’re welcome.

Static Electricity and Kissing Patients

Tuesday, I finally went and got my eyes checked and my prescription renewed. This has been a long time coming. My only excuse is that moving twice in two years makes everything harder, especially keeping up with doctor’s appointments. I met the doctor who was a short guy with warm brown skin, dark hair, and an eye nerd of the first order. I mean huge eye nerd. He could not stop talking about how much he enjoyed what he did. Which is great!

I shook his hand in introduction and static electricity, that seems permanently stored in my body, zinged between us.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to zap you!” He said.

“It was probably me. ” I explained. “I seem to store static electricity somehow.”

“My 96 year old patient kissed me on the lips the other day, and I think both of us were charged with static, and I told him, ‘I think I saw sparks!'”

I really did not know how to respond to this. “…..Wow. Yah, that’s strange.” I ventured.

“Well, you know how it goes, sometimes they are going for the cheek and they get your lips.”

A reasonable explanation, but I still really do not understand this conversation, or what to say next. “I guess… that’s true.”

“Yah, kiddos, what can you do? My seven year old is not so affectionate any more, but my six year old is.” He explained.

Realization dawned. He said his kiddo kissed him on the lips, not his patient. That “you know how it goes” was really “you know kiddos.”

I knew I was about to laugh uncontrollably, but managed to blurt out, “Oh, you said your six year old kid. I thought you said your 96 year old patient and I was really confused why patients were kissing you!”

“Oh my! Yes, that would be strange.” He agreed.

I chuckled. “Maybe I need to see an ear doctor today as well!”

“I can look and see if there is one in this building.” He offered. He smiled, laughed, and continued, “This is probably the funniest conversation I’ve had all week!”

Spam Mail Part 2

Last year I made my most spammed post a little less spamable. (Is that a word? The red line is telling me it isn’t a word, but it totally should be.) Since making the post less spamable I had to wait a while to build up a good amount of spam to make fun of. Then I forgot I was doing that and deleted a bunch of spam mail because gmail makes it so easy to just delete all the junk mail by shoving it into one folder and then having that select all box to click. Anyway between my forgetfulness and the easy deleting of spam mail, its been over a year and I think it’s high time to write another spam mail post.

I love making fun of horribly written spam mail and, as I know at least one person who believes everything she reads and can’t distinguish what is spam from proper email, I think it is education too. Maybe showing my thought process about why it is spam, will be like a PSA or something. Yah, this is my Spam PSA, someone get me a television show, I really need to tell the world how to delete Spam ! I promise. It’s not because I would love to be on TV or anything.

My first spam message is very important. . .

Ms Lisa Meditz IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO YOU– Good day, I am Ms Lisa Meditz, a US Citizen, Am 36 years old. I am one of….

Me: the robots. That’s right, you are one of the robots Ms Lisa Meditz. I am sorry to inform you of this. But your 36 years of life are a LIE.  Also, IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO YOU, using all caps to get my attention makes me feel like you are screaming at me for no reason except that you like to scream at people. Ms Lisa Medtiz, this is unacceptable. Please lower your goddamn robot voice. There are about a hundred more things I could make fun of with just a partial but totally grammatically incorrect sentence, however I’m out of time to spend on you Ms Lisa Meditz, so I will leave you with, Good day, Ma’am. I said, Good. Day.

P.S. I really like the name Lisa Meditz. I may have to use it in a story some day. So, thank you for that.

P.P.S. There are three people on Facebook with the name Lisa Meditz. Whaaaah?

I’m probably spending too much time on my spam mail if I find my self searching for specific names on Facebook, but it was an awesome revelation, I regret nothing.

Up next, some Good News!!!.

(unknown sender) Good News!!!– Attn: Beneficiary,After waiting and no response was heard, I deposited and also paid for the Delive

(unknown sender) Good News!!!– Attn: Beneficiary, After waiting and no response was heard, I deposited and also paid for the Delive

(unknown sender) Good News!!!– Attn: Beneficiary, I hope this email gets to you in good state of mind. After waiting and no response

Me: Oooh yay, three in a row from an unknown sender with good news and three exclamation marks. This is not suspicious at all. But wait for it… the best part is the guilt trip. You haven’t been waiting you spambot, you haven’t received a response because you are not a real person asking for a real thing. Don’t try to guilt trip me into thinking I forgot to do something. I grew up with constant guilt tripping, I can see it a mile away thankyouverymuch.

I take my issues out on spam mail. I think this is healthy.

The next spam deluge is almost deceptively normal looking, but I am not fooled.

Mr. Ali Shareef Emdi Hello Sir, QATAR PETROLEUM DEPARTMENT PO Box 3212Doha, Qatar shareef.emdi@minister.com

Mr. Ali Shareef Emdi Hello Sir, QATAR PETROLEUM DEPARTMENT PO Box 3212Doha, Qatar shareef.emdi@minister.com

Mr. E.H. Ali Shareef Emdi Hello Sir, QATAR PETROLEUM DEPARTMENT PO Box 3212, Doha, Qatar shareef.emdi@minister.com

Me. While I have a former co-worker whose name is Ali he knows I am not a sir.  Your first fail spambot. Furthermore, that is not his full name. I don’t remember what his last name is, but it’s not that. Also, pretty sure he’s not a minister unless something drastic happened in the last six months.

Hmmm, so according to Wikipedia (and we all know that is extremely reliable) Qatar Petroleum is a real company, third largest oil company supposedly. Am I supposed to know this because I live in Texas? Is that supposed to make me want to click on this email? I will say this, without a guilt trip going on you are looking like the nicest spambot, for what it is worth.

FYI, it is not worth much. It is worth nothing.

P.S. I know someone could saying using minister.com as an email is a form of manipulation and guilt tripping, but its almost at the end of the sentence and seems to be the least important part of the blurb.

P.P.S. Also, this makes the email more suspect, why would someone from an oil company have minister.com as their email address, because they wouldn’t. Put a little more effort into your spamming people.

This is my biggest complaint with spam mail, there is no effort to disguise it as anything else. Ugh. The next influx is no better.

UNCC Your Payment Notification (Urgent Update!!!)– Attention; NOTE:If you received this message in your SPAM/BU

UNCC Your Payment Compensation Notification!!! -Attention; NOTE:If you received this message in your SPAM/BU

Me: If I’ve received this message in my SPAM/BU[LLSHIT] folder, it’s because that is where this belongs. Good bye!

P.S. What is with the three exclamation marks again?

I don’t know why someone would make it soooo easy to just read SPAM/BULLSHIT. I mean, how is that not what they were going for?

Next up, Deal or No Deal. I’m going with the latter.

Info: Reply – Hello, My name is Capt. Lucas Alves from the US Army base here in Damascus, Syria. I have a Deal of

Me: Hello Capt. Lucas Alves, I have someone you should meet, Ms. Lisa Meditz. I think you two have a lot in common and make the best named spambot couple. You might want to use some protection though, I’m pretty sure you both are full of viruses.

I Do Not Want to Post Today

I do not want to post today. I don’t have anything funny to say. I haven’t slept well all week and I am dog tired. My hormones are out of wack because I’m on some new medication that will hopefully help my overall hormonal imbalances, but it can take months for that system to work itself to “normal” and in the mean time I’m going into weird head spaces because of pain and lack of sleep. Also, I’m cold.

This office is friggin cold, which is a shame because it’s like the best November weather outside. I should go for a walk on my lunch break, but I’m sure I’ll just end up taking a nap in my car like I did yesterday. I’ll probably break down and go get some bad-for-me food like I did yesterday as well, because the craisins/nuts/cheese package and pineapple cup I just ate are just not doing the trick. True, I’m also on my second doughnut and second cup of coffee and I really should go for that walk instead, but I don’t want to. I’m tired, cold, and depressed.

I’ve been on my usual nerdy websites and Facebook and I came away more depressed about the state of affairs right now and it’s putting me into a state. Do you know the best things I saw today were a video about cis women’s hymens (see below) and when I found out that I should steal Jennifer Lawrence’s middle name -Shrader for a baby name?

…. Actually in writing this all out, the solution is very very simple.

I get pregnant (ding! no more periods FOREVER!!!!) with a baby girl so that 1) I can name her Shrader, 2) I can raise a strong brave woman who shows the world what putting yourself in someone else’s shoes (or Hijab) means, and 3) she will be one woman that knows all about her hymen and the virginity myth because I’m going to show her videos like the one below so she is fully educated about herself and her body. We’ll leave out the discussion that having a child to solve major life issues is probably not the best idea. (Don’t get excited family members who read this. This is a satirical piece born out of tiredness and frustration at the world, I’m not saying I actually want to birth an 10 lb alien from my body. You know it would be a big baby. Have you seen my husband’s family?)

Then I’m going to cross my fingers and hope really really hard that she and my nieces and nephew, and the children who are growing up right now, will become empathetic, brave, insightful, wonderful, decent human beings and make the world better than I apparently have done so far. I will talk about the differences they can make and push them to be better than this, because I’ve given up on affecting change. I’m not feeling particularly brave or insightful, just tired. I didn’t even want to post today.

P.S. This is a rant to get a few things off my chest. I’m sure tonight I will get some sleep and wake up feeling better. I’ll eat some warm food and snuggle on the couch and watch TV and promote self-care and bake cookies and be better. But in this moment, I am cold and hungry and a little sad.

Video via The Mary Sue.

Theater Review: Pavlov’s Dogs Improv Comedy Show

Chris and I went to an improv show by Pavlov’s Dogs at the Dallas Comedy House. The show is called End of the Month and is an “improvised show that is built around things that happened earlier that month” on the news. Off to the side of the stage sits a TV screen with dated news headlines scrolling past. Chris pointed out that the headlines were still dated 2014 even though the headlines were centered around the upcoming 2015 Superbowl. While slightly distracting, I thought it added to the weirdness of the show. Everyone was instructed to fill out a slip of paper of something interesting that happened to them that month and then deposit it in a bucket on the stage.

The show starts out as though the audience is watching a live news show. Headlines are pulled from the television screen to the left of the stage and the troupe members act as anchors and then proceed to act out the scenes. I really enjoyed the “bits” that the anchors were able to come up with on the spot, but the re-enactment of the news scenes made for a rough start to the show. Only when the troupe moved on to Detectives Barry and The Cobra did the show pick up speed and laughs. Playing off of TV tropes and bad cop/good cop routines Detective Barry and Detective The Cobra had the room erupting in laughter as they attempted to solve a murder.

The last game is one where the actors are gathered at the local watering hole to discuss their days as news anchors, detectives, and investigative reporters. During this time one member of the troupe begins to tell a story and then ends it by reading off the pieces of paper from the bucket. What would seemingly be disjointed turned into a hilarious comedy piece as the real “interesting” things that happened to members of the audience are distorted, re-enacted, and tied to earlier routines by the troupe.

While off to a rather slow and rough start, the troupe rallied as they continued to play their games on stage. I laughed really hard when the detectives where on stage and during a few of the watering hole pieces, and not just because I’d had two drinks and a bag of Skittles. Improv comedy may not be fun for everyone as it can include a lot of awkward moments, but occasionally it also results in laughing until you are in tears. In fact watching the troupe interact with each other and the audience, and listening as a room full of people gave themselves over to the moment with laughter and giggles made me long to get back into improv acting myself.

Word Pun by Drunk Lady

A husband recorded his wife telling a joke/pun while drunk and then animated it. Adorable and hilarious.

Bar Exam Break 3: A Monster in the Room

While I study, I doodle on a scrap piece of paper. Usually this is while ruminating on a piece of information and hoping it sinks in upon rumination. For example, The Blockburger Test. A test for determining a lesser included nature of different offenses which relate to an implied acquittal of a charged crime and whether or not Double Jeopardy has attached. Yah, that test.

My doodles are usually full of flowers, blocks of shapes, and occasionally a psychopathic looking cat. Would you believe the cat came out of the doodle of two swirls hooked together by a V?

 

Then I decided to draw a present for myself, for being such a studious person. A present to myself, that became a monster. Because this is what studying for the bar looks like: a present monster.

Thirty Days of Thankful: Spam Mail

For some reason, my One Thousand Posts and Counting post gets THE MOST SPAM EVER! Which is actually awesome, I love spam.

Occasionally a real commenter gets into my spam account, so I have to fish them out, drag them through the door of communication and drop them like something the cat dragged in, sopping wet, give them a shake, wait while they dry off, and then treat them like the real live mouse the cat decided to bring in and toy with. Or something like that. I’m not real good with metaphors? similes?

Here is how my spam reading goes:

Video Conference: I do not know…

Me: Blah blah. No, you don not know anything. You do not know you made it into my spam folder. You do not know you will now be deleted.

Homepage: … [trackback]

Homepage:…[trackback]

Me: Someone is determined to look like a trackback, even though that is totally NOT how my homepage trackbacks look like. Nice try though. Actually that isn’t. That is a really bad try. I should take up hacking, I would be much better at it. . . how much do hackers make again?

[Japanese writing]: Brown mascara, green colored mascara and brown mascara are alabama
unexpected eye-poppers. PS: please can Suri Cruise get a cameo too,
Mrs Prada! Contained is a extractible, buckled make strap.
Celine series include Dress,Skirt,Designer Shoes,High heels, Purses and so on
the subject of.

Me: That doesn’t. What? Make sense. Why would Suri Cruise get a cameo on a beauty commercial? Isn’t she like five and isn’t her mother against make up? Or something like that.

Three “comments” in a row, all in Japanese. Google Translate asks if I want to know what the spammers are trying to tell me. I do not want to know Google. I’m pretty sure they are all just jealous of Will Smith’s daughter and her hair, or something like that.

Little Mermaid Tattoos 2 Sheets | MedPlus4all.COM: […] Nodds & Nends: Skull Sheets, Tattoos, and Improv Class | Absurdly … […]

Me: Ooh! Clever robot, you found a word and you replicated it a bunch of times. And you added Little Mermaid. Which is really clever because I do have a LOT of Disney posts. I can’t help myself! But I’m pretty share some MedPlus4all is just going to lead me to a bunch of genitalia and that usually leads to viruses.

I do love spam. I get to be all clever in my head. At a computer robot, because that is the life peeps!

But I especially love spam that gets through my robotic spam protector that lives inside my computer because then I go, AH HA! I caught something the robot did not, as of now, I’m not obsolete……. I can totally catch spam going to a blog that about fifty people read…….. Yay?

Peeps, you are totally awesome, my lack of blogging schedule is totes to blame for numbers dropping. But I don’t blog for the numbers. No sir, I blog for the spammers.

Smurf This

One of the reasons I follow Wil Wheaton on Google+ is because he posts awesome videos like the one below- A stop motion video on a board gaming universe about what happens after the lights are turned out. The short is just fantastic.